Friday, October 28, 2011
Writers Workshop: Post #2
As the young boy boarded the strange man's vehicle, he rapidly tasted the scent of any child's favorite food group,sweets. The hunchback parked in a deserted forest and lurched towards the back of the ornate, congested of candy vehicle. Before, Billy, the five year old sweetie, could not identify the identity of the man, but now it had become clear, it was his "father." All of a sudden, Billy's father ousted Billy from his way to tear of a mask and reveal his true identity was a sociopath kidnapper. But that didn't scare Billy, all he wanted to do was ask, "May I please have some candy?"
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Nice paragraph Ailis! It was interesting and I couldn't stop reading once I got to the deserted forest part. I wanted to know what would happen next. It was really good, except the part where you wrote: "Billy's father ousted Billy from his way to tear of a mask and reveal his true identity was a sociopath kidnapper." I think it should be: "Billy's father ousted Billy from his way to tear off a mask and reveal his true identity, a sociopath kidnapper." That's the only suggestion I have. But otherwise, it was good. Nice job!
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